When you're being a dick...

...instigating sexual advances of your dream dick.

Two months & a day since my last entry, a blur of spaced time filled with withdrawals, stress, and falling hard into destructive habits.

I preface this forthcoming story with the fact that myself & Jag have talked & I have seen the error in my ways.

But I also footnote that statement with what I've touched upon in a past Tumblr blog I once had. Partly what fueled my wish for an end was the path of self-destruction of my worth & sexual values. I found myself wrapped in events that led to me abusing myself with the use of my body with no regard for my safety and having sex with men I didn't know. Simply put, I hated myself and found false value in acting like the sex toy of others.

I won't harp on this & I'm sorry this shall fall into the grey area of sexual posts. Yet I also feel others like myself should also understand sex is not a metric of your value. I age myself by expressing displeasure with the national sentiment of younger women acting like their vagina is the key to success. Similarly, the idea of treating men like objects and toys - sex should be a cooperative union.

Calling the kettle black, I feel deep into my destructive muse while Jag and her Bodyguard stay in my home. Stating details many did not ask for,  Jag's bodyguard, Bruno suits his title. This man is tall and muscular and presents himself as confident. He also has what some women consider the sexual dream man to make personal pornography videos with. Frankly, his manhood is one of the larger I've had. I warned you all of what degree this may take in personal information.

As a group of three, we have had our time being overly opinionated and our style of lewd commentary. For whatever reason, I started abusing this open banter by instigating occasional mini-affairs. Occasional became nightly unto morning shower sex and afternoon or night sessions, shamefully gasping that thick man as he penetrated me in the shower bringing me to climax.

I lavished on this while becoming blind to it turning problematic. After Jag walked in on us twice and angrily, the final time, pulled him away from me and sent him away, we fought. Foolishly I tried to justify my acts & turned her trusted words to me against her. Jag left the house, Bruno in tow, until this afternoon when we finally patched the rift with the starter foundation.

Long & short of it. I am trying to once again recover from a momentary relapse. Part of me feels down and hurt by what I've done, and the other part is still on the high of what moments I lived out from my darkest, most deprived self. Now I must heal others whom I have hurt along with myself.

I hope everyone else has had a less drama filled few months. Maybe you are living this fleeting pornstar lifestyle with your forever love. I truly hope that for everyone. Just be sure to use condoms and be responsible. Your body is a temple, and worship is for the beauty and being beyond your body's features. A lesson I still am struggling to learn to live by.

Until next time, I still have a house full of guests and crave late-night snacks.

Updates...

... between life & satin.

Two weeks later, my initial hopes of personal fun with Kai Mei are thwarted upon realizing the mix of many guests and my sexual sensitivities prove problematic.

My friend's farmhouse has been repaired, for the most part, and she has decided to return, taking KaiMei with her. Thus my bed returns to its lonely chilled state. Noting KaiMei is her brother.

The residents of the conversion barn, leveled by the tornado, remain. A unique mix of personalities, bodies, & ideals indeed. One girl is quite shy and homely-minded, yet her bust rivals mine. The other two tend to be more social and outgoing.

We've had some great conversations & times thus far. KaiMei plans to rebuild the barn conversion anew for the girls. Their sister has visited on and off as well. She lives in the downtown area here in Valley Pines, but her apartment doesn't have enough beds to cover everyone & I don't mind them staying.

Jag was hit the most by the storm, sadly. Her tour bus also was destroyed & currently, she has been staying with me as well. It would be the second bus destroyed by a tornado since she decided to arrive in Arkansas.

She's been quiet about it, but I can tell she's hurt and trying to figure out her next steps. Bruno has been in LA doing work. He hasn't been able to break free from it. So I guess we are now riding freestyle and learning about the other guests. Hoping we will, maybe, stream again at the Venue to liven our spirits.

I just wanted to make a quick update on things. Sorry, it's not more poetic lately for entries.

🌪️ Bad Weather...

... brings a house full of friends.

 If you've kept up with trending things tonight or the news in general. A significant tornado outbreak occurred today into this evening from Arkansas to Wisconsin. Many cities have been struck by tornados and storm damage, sadly one of which was Southstar Glen.

Outside the city, it is frozen in time with the old farms and homes and an old diner and steel bridge, which bring positive and negative emotions. My friends live out there along with Jag live in her tour bus. The property is a farm built in the 1800s and has seen mild disruptions from storms in the past. Today was not as lucky.

Jag lost her tour bus, I was out at the farm this evening & the bus looks like a gutted tin can wrapped around an old oak tree on site. The farm took a near-direct hit leaving the outbuilding used as a guest suite leveled and damaging KaiMei's car shed. The house also lost sections of the roofing, broken windows, and siding. The deck KaiMei built a few years back was also ripped apart and scattered into the field.

The bridge is now adorned with insulation from the farmhouse and Jag's tour bus. Tree limbs and entires trees dot the roadway, graveyard, and farm. It was an emotional downfall for many of us, but everyone was safe and okay physically.

For now, my house has become HQ as 5 people now stay over. Jag was in New York City. Some of said guests also had their sister over at the guest building. She will head back to Valley Pines to her apartment with her boyfriend. Some of those guests may stay with her next week.

Needless to say, it will be a little cozy. Kai Mei will sleep with me in my room, this time for actual sleeping, while others will share the guest rooms. Jag plans to stay in New York until she decides on her next steps.

Today has been taxing for me mentally, but the amount of love in my home and knowing I am helping people who helped me is warming.

The farmhouse will be fixable, the guest building a loss, but rebuildable. Kai Mei's cars mostly survived safely & insurance will help front the costs of the damages. The tornado carried across a field into my friend's farm and across the road before weakening. I hope it did not touch down further away and cause more damage or injury.

Stay safe Fam. These storms today made a mess & in the morning we will need to begin cleaning up and mentally processing the events. I don't live in the area, but visiting afterward is surreal & it makes me understand a tiny example of what those affected might feel when faced with the loss of their livelihood.

Part of me is greedy and is excited to have Kai Mei in my bed for the whole night. Part of me missed waking up with his arms around me, feeling the touch of his manhood against my ass from such close contact.