I'm just a bag full of...

 ... hyper-fixation & procrastination

 

Is it reversive parasocial to feel bad for not posting more on a blog to an audience that may not even exist? I'm most guilty of the rampant seduction of the offline life I have been living as of late. My mind and body, a swing set filled with emotions of swinging forward and back, all trying to see who can rock the framework from the soil first.

Where must I begin with updates?

Have you the time?
Have you slipped yourself into the most coziest attire?
Have you acquired a tea, coffee, wine, or choice of beverage?
Brace for a long entry - tentative on my level of ADHD for tonight.

Firstly, my mental health has been good. Overall, my mind has been peaceful from a darkness and anger menu. I have spoken with my professional therapeutic counselor (Therapist, in simple terms) on the topic of hypersexualization. Of course, we start my blog for the year on sex, huh?

It is an important topic that I feel needs focus. As readers of my blog may have noticed, more so if you follow Jag's Twitter, is that I have spent the end of 2023 on a sexual high. It was enough of a problem that eventually, KaiMei asked for a pause in our times of intimacy. Jag's bodyguard has a long history of groupies and suited an exotic opportunity for me with larger sizing compared to prior lovers I've been with.

Dr. Sprivzy explained that both Men & Women can, at times of stress and traumatic triggering, use the sensation of sexual interactions to disassociate from the emotions of pain, hurt, or sadness. I had some heightened stress at the end of the year with finishing the semester of schooling, and I fought some holiday blues. I found myself entertaining Jag and her bodyguard for the holidays, enabling reach to a consenting muse in "relieving stress" in private.

A part of me still feels mild shame in the marks left on my bed, the imagery of my face in the bathroom mirror, the feeling of my body pressed against the shower tile. The beginning of this affair of craven lust came with the introduced new sensations that come with female reproductive organs introduced with increasingly proportionate size than used to. Can you tell I am dancing around the details to feint some form of decency in my presence? Needless to say. 2023 ended with me whoring my body in the name of disassociation.

For the last month or so, I have been trying to confront my feelings and the discomfort associated with the head-on approach. Sometimes, I do need to still "blow off steam" and have regulated myself to the silicone stand-ins under my bed.

Beyond that struggle with my sexual health, I completed the last semester of technical college. I have not graduated, but I am at an impasse if I will return the next session. I still stand undecided about my fate and career beyond the walls of education. The time-tested claims of the institution have also become riddled with holes over the last decade, putting their claims in question in my mind. I've never grown out of the indecisiveness of my path in life.

My income, which many speculate all the avenues of possibility, will disappoint many of the perverse or hopeful wanderers of their dirty minds. I detest and have yet to come to terms with my family's wealth being a crutch that my sister takes advantage of constantly, even to this day. Yet I still receive "gifts" from my parents, who felt their daughter working for her funds degrades the family name.

I also work part-time at a local diner as a waitress and am compensated for my time when I join Jag on her livestreams. These income streams allow me to live in my home, enjoy being with loved ones, and continue to find lovers and self-appreciation.

An acquaintance through my friend announced her engagement to her boyfriend of many years. My friend's lover (direct bloodline of the bride-to-be) has been at odds with the bride-to-be about the guest lists and details. It is all very multifaceted in form, the drama, and the issues they are working out. I hope the best for the couple on their wedding and life together. They are super cute together & good friends of mine and KaiMei's.

The weather has been very spontaneous thus far. We are now back into the tease of spring. I have transitioned between warmer cotton and fleece PJs on cold nights. Cotton bra and panties when warmer. The earlier mentioned lover of a friend has always told me the benefits of sleeping nude, more so within a room where your bed position allows moonlight to shine upon you at night.

I have tried her suggestions as of late once it was warm enough. It's best not to catch hypothermia in your bedroom. From the nights I have tried this form of sleep, I've felt better and more rested. I may have mentioned this journey in prior entries but stopped doing so as temps dropped. It may be my hypersexualization issues coming to face, but there is a feeling of safety and freedom in feeling your bedsheets against your bare skin. Dare I mention the touch of those sheets against sensitive areas as well? It's difficult to explain, and I suggest you try it yourself.

I think that is everything I can think of for now, and this entry must be miles long by now. I am still doing okay while making forward progress. I hope the same for all of you. You know, the lost internet wanderer who has stumbled across my blog. 

Return to my Roots...

... Cheer Squad

Long time no - write?

Life still keeps me from writing or even thinking of what to write, but I thought it an interesting tidbit to share about an event I was at near the end of November.

Studious creepers (who read my biography section) will note the time I spent in the Cheer and dance squad in school. I did so with my friend Silver, which is a story of its own, considering her more gothy vibes. Coincidently, her niece was also in Cheer.

About 3 or 4 years ago, the high school from which all 3 of us had graduated wanted to do something special for homecoming & the niece, Beth, thought of the idea for former squad members to do a routine together. It would be a hit with three prior graduated class squads dancing to music that each would have used at the time.

Fast Forward to this past November as the 2023 Senior team would be playing the final championship game at home. Our last Senior team sweep was actually during my senior year - our team kicked some serious ass to win that spot.

To commemorate this year's seniors getting to that prestigious spot & at a home game, I and the others got asked to join in the halftime festivities and help on the sidelines. Of course, we agreed & set to getting our uniforms slightly altered. Let's be honest; in Senior Year, or even the last time we did this event, I measured as thin & busty. While busty is still on the menu, "thin" has become average.

The night comes. Silver & Beth look amazing in uniform & we have the music set up and have practiced with the others for the past month. We walk in & one of the current senior Cheerleaders makes a smart-ass comment about bringing in the Old Folks Home. It's apparent the lack of respect current generations tend to have.

Beth was the only one who couldn't let it slip and snipped back a comment I will only paraphrase as containing information about us getting "more dick than that girl's ugly face could land her." I honestly just tried to ignore it. I knew our routine would speak for itself & in the end, it did.

Long story short, our squad showed the newer generation how it is done. Our music was on point, and we seemed to be the loudest squad during the game, rooting for the team and trying to keep the crowd energized. The Southstar All Stars won State Championship status for 2023. We girls left at the end of the game & decided to be naughty and laid waste to the local Denny's. I hadn't been there in a long time & ate way too much food, but it was worth it.

Part of me wanted to see if Kai Mei wanted to play naughty Cheerleader, but I figured I had enough energy used for the night. It's bad form if you fall asleep in the middle of sex. At least, that's my understanding.  

It was a fun night to reunite with my old classmates & friends to show we still had it.

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving holiday or Friendsgiving for those of you who don't wanna celebrate the massacre of natives gaslit into a story of peace. I also wish you all a great Christmas Holiday & New Year if I don't find myself back writing here before then. 💋

Uninspired...

...into Hiatus

I'm aware it's been over a month now since I posted. The simple truth is a lack of inspiration, being overwhelmed by in-life events, & personal plateau of calm.

The honest touch of literary endeavor bears moments of sharp claws to pull your soul into words. Yet also moments of that hand slowly falling from your shoulder. The words do not come. Your inner demons are quiet and content.

Life comes in ebb & flow, as does inspiration. I've been feeling less discourse. Kai Mei and I have kept things platonic. Jag has been busy with her venue and being the rockstar she is. I've been in a few of her streams from time to time. Nothing has triggered my past or pain to transcribe into literary gold.

As Autumn and Winter are near, I bask in the chill air, bringing me permission to sweaters, extra-long sleeves, and spiced coffee.

I've tried to lend an ear to a friend struggling with life and being deep in financial unrest. Things have been rough for many people, bearing with economic issues and the senseless gain of hateful minds.

The best I can offer is the initial statement. That literary movement requires the inspiration of life and pain. Beyond that becomes the realm of fiction and the cognitive exercises to think outside your comfort zone.

I have great respect for authors of fiction & their skill to take on the task of bringing words to a character or troupe from thin air. Those who dig into their created world and the world of reality for inspiration are not just authors but craftsmen of their craft. I use "craftsman" as the general term it was once contrived. I do not use the term to thrust absent gender onto these geniuses of the script.

One of my friends is a very talented craftswoman who has done her time learning her craft in college, gaining her Master's Degree, and is now looking to bring her work out into the published world. I exude all my possible love to her and her journey to become published & I know it will come to fruition.

I hope, in time, I will find more inspiration for posts. I also feel like this blog shouldn't become filled with senseless pinpoints about nothing. We will have to see how things progress.

Until next time.