Rough Year or so.
I'm so sorry I neglected this blog like an unfit mother. It’s been a rough year or more; let’s chat.
Firstly;
Can we discuss this anemic excuse of a Calzone I got from a pizza pub? First & Last time going here. It doesn’t scream 'Italy' to me, nor does it honestly have much flavor in its sauce. Yes, I am picking at it like a fussy bitch.
So — where the hell have I been? Where haven’t I been?
Found a guy who I thought might be a start to finding some normalcy in a relationship. We had sex, talked about wanting to be together for a long time, then he cheated on me with some girl at his workplace & then tried to say I was the unfaithful one. He also tried to take a swing at me, and that didn’t go well for him. Broken nose, almost a crushed testicle later, and he’s long gone.
Each day it feels more and more like my basic white bitch ass will never find someone who both treats me like Kai Mei, but also wants to be more than friends and get serious about a relationship. Of course, Kai Mei is still a great friend, but he has also found an awesome woman for himself. She’s a sweety, and we became bff’s pretty damn quickly.
Needless to say, between that and the insanity of the world, there have been some dark days in which I can feel that dark side of me say, “ You would have been better off dead”. When those days materialize, I text Kai Mei and, at times, ask for a moment of his time to talk or just be present with someone for shared strength. This mental health stuff never gets easy after you’ve been to your darkest point.
On the note of how disassociated and unstable the world is — how many people are seeing this circus about the Pedo Files? I’ve had a few people finally tell me to chill out after I went on a week-long tangent about how my idolized dream lover, Michael Jackson, was not anywhere within that mess. Now, with people coming forward more so, noting MJ was in fact fully aware of the island and was actively working to keep child actors and singers off it.
The man never did anything wrong; the world believed the manipulators. The man died (unless not... I still hold hope he was smarter than them) at the hands of an assassination of the King of Pop. They silenced his words from his own face, to now have the world forcing his words in song into theirs.
The anger and rage I feel simply from knowing that it took his passing and many years for people to finally see past the smoke, mirrors, and money, to see who the real monsters were all this time. I won’t harp on it, but I give all those people who threw hate at me for believing in MJ the biggest of middle fingers.
I have gotten into trying to work out more since I started to get a small pudge tummy. That abusive prick Boyfriend.. that was my initial trainer.
Since then, I went to a different gym and found a wonderful man for training with.
I preface this with the fact that there is no other way but to label this man as I am about to, and it’s not of malice or to try and classify them within a focused mindset. I just don’t keep up with all the terms that exist nowadays in the alternative communities.
My new gym trainer is a gay man, quite the looker, and has a very healthy body frame, not just buff muscle-brain type. Did I actually search specifically for him, being a gay man? No. He was actually recommended by himself after I asked around about a trainer at this gym and explained the last one I had was not a great fit. He said that he would be more than available to help me work out and learn things for getting myself toned again, and maybe some muscle on these ‘lil chicken wings' of arms I have.
It is an interesting and honestly enjoyable time as we both talk through our comfort zones for interaction. He’s like having a gym girlfriend who both knows their routines and yet knows how to get you motivated. He puts his hands on my waist when doing stretches and likes to tease me into doing more sit-ups. His boyfriend also works at the gym; they both are fully used to this, and he’s even told me that they have numerous women whom they train who appreciate their way of doing things. It’s a mix of having that Hot Man with you, but respectful, and you know they aren’t going to do something to you cuz they aren’t interested in you that way. Highly recommend finding a good match for gym trainers.
Beyond that, I feel like I'm in survival mode. Working at this downtown office as a Front Desk Clerk, going home to shower and eat, then going to bed. Jag has been in Japan living her best life, and from her tweets, I can tell she’s also having one hell of a moment herself. As much as I enjoy getting to have Bruno for fun, he and Jag are, in my opinion, a great couple if they can work through a lot of past issues. I’m rooting for em!
I got a Lavender Rose bath bomb calling my name... tossing it into my hottub out back and sinking my naked ass body into that heated water to try and melt away everything from the last few months. Self-Love on a Day I have no lover. I hope those of you who are with someone have a great Valintines Day... I hope that if you're serious, you get some great sex together, maybe try some new things even. I’m pulling for ya guys!
xxxo Rio