When you're being a dick...

...instigating sexual advances of your dream dick.

Two months & a day since my last entry, a blur of spaced time filled with withdrawals, stress, and falling hard into destructive habits.

I preface this forthcoming story with the fact that myself & Jag have talked & I have seen the error in my ways.

But I also footnote that statement with what I've touched upon in a past Tumblr blog I once had. Partly what fueled my wish for an end was the path of self-destruction of my worth & sexual values. I found myself wrapped in events that led to me abusing myself with the use of my body with no regard for my safety and having sex with men I didn't know. Simply put, I hated myself and found false value in acting like the sex toy of others.

I won't harp on this & I'm sorry this shall fall into the grey area of sexual posts. Yet I also feel others like myself should also understand sex is not a metric of your value. I age myself by expressing displeasure with the national sentiment of younger women acting like their vagina is the key to success. Similarly, the idea of treating men like objects and toys - sex should be a cooperative union.

Calling the kettle black, I feel deep into my destructive muse while Jag and her Bodyguard stay in my home. Stating details many did not ask for,  Jag's bodyguard, Bruno suits his title. This man is tall and muscular and presents himself as confident. He also has what some women consider the sexual dream man to make personal pornography videos with. Frankly, his manhood is one of the larger I've had. I warned you all of what degree this may take in personal information.

As a group of three, we have had our time being overly opinionated and our style of lewd commentary. For whatever reason, I started abusing this open banter by instigating occasional mini-affairs. Occasional became nightly unto morning shower sex and afternoon or night sessions, shamefully gasping that thick man as he penetrated me in the shower bringing me to climax.

I lavished on this while becoming blind to it turning problematic. After Jag walked in on us twice and angrily, the final time, pulled him away from me and sent him away, we fought. Foolishly I tried to justify my acts & turned her trusted words to me against her. Jag left the house, Bruno in tow, until this afternoon when we finally patched the rift with the starter foundation.

Long & short of it. I am trying to once again recover from a momentary relapse. Part of me feels down and hurt by what I've done, and the other part is still on the high of what moments I lived out from my darkest, most deprived self. Now I must heal others whom I have hurt along with myself.

I hope everyone else has had a less drama filled few months. Maybe you are living this fleeting pornstar lifestyle with your forever love. I truly hope that for everyone. Just be sure to use condoms and be responsible. Your body is a temple, and worship is for the beauty and being beyond your body's features. A lesson I still am struggling to learn to live by.

Until next time, I still have a house full of guests and crave late-night snacks.