A autobiographical excerpt of what is ultimately a puzzle of a human form...
The Simple Details:
♀️ Female || She/Her
📅 July 23rd, 1986 || 🧒 2nd of Three children, 1 Brother/1 Sister
♌ Leo, Chinese Zodiac - Fire Tiger
🖤 Single, Passively looking. Broken up with 2 exes and a third passed away while we were dating
⚤ Straight, yet also Bi leaning/curious
🍽️ Omnivore
🎗️💛 July 2020 - Survivor
A Blurb of my past:
I was a late bloomer, carrying a fairly petite figure in all forms until the second year of high school after returning from a summer vacation in California and my body apparently agreed with the climate. I was teased for my delayed looks and added geek like demur often and the changing of schools due to my fathers jobs didn't change that. For those wondering or the few guys trying to find drool factor... I am a 34 Bust, give or take.
After blooming and also getting into Cheerleaders and Dance Squad; teasing mostly was replaced by girls talking behind my back or guys suddenly finding me attractive enough to like - or simply having the body that now says " I'm a bimbo". Which I wasn't and kept my virginity until well after graduating High School. I kept in a limbo of where to go after High School joining and then dropping out of classes, colleges, anything.
My Journey to the Present:
Evading the dirty, dark details: Around the start of 2015 I began slowly hating myself and the effort I put into trying to be pure and following my values. My first time was with my best friends boyfriend in the back of an SUV I owed. I initiated the encounter and we wound up dating after my friend broke up with him. I found myself becoming more out of control of my own moral ground and I think he also felt that I was falling into a bad place. He's a sweetie and as will be noted shortly my savior.
Upon ending our relationship: I started to give up on being what I was, being moral and logical, I started into alcohol and got involved with a girl who was into having very rowdy party's. There was a point we would start a party at 8pm and be naked with men in the same bed at 2am dressed in only that which dirty whores are imagined to appear. A falling out with this girl occurred from her wanting me to push my last morals by having sex with her husband on camera. Yet I was fully out of control, trying to force my licentious needs on the man I had left for this new self. He's male - he's not a superman, he would give into those whims at times and would be put off by my less characteristic growls and calls for extravagant porn like meetings. Eventually he too put a stop to our meetings and as the fully out of control person I was... I threw a fit and found random men, instead, to fulfill these "needs".
Flash forward to the early 2019 as I had finally crashed and gotten tired of barfing in bar toilets, finding myself doing things with my body no woman should ever crave to do, and seeing the broken shell in the mirror. I cut off myself from it all.. and by the time we shifted into a pandemic, I had chose to cash in the worthless shell I had destroyed and allow be filled with such hate and sin. The old iron bridge, one that my savior knew well, was a 25 foot drop to a low water level stone bed.
Again - I won't drag into the motions. I will never know how he managed to jump after me and catch me. I know how he stepped away with injury he could slowly walk away with - It is yet a secret of ours I keep. But after everything I ever did, he still tasted is own blood and pain to save me. I cried... I yelled... I cursed his actions of leaving me again in a world I didn't belong. It took a month before I could apologize to him - for my words... my actions... my decision of exit. I apologized for those past years and past me. He forgave them all... We became deeper friends and while it will sound shallow and almost of insanity; we still have sex. We still sleep together and yet... It feels as to be solely for my benefit. We are friends, but for more-so my benefit as he knows I still fight past me and I fight the me with no control. I still crave and lust and fear... I fear myself.. my actions... the world.
I lost so many people and the loss of my idol, a man I once swore to only lose my purity to... I lost Michael Jackson; yet.. the world lost him. His ways and aura had such positive foundations and since his passing the breaking down of civility is apparent almost hourly. People hated on him and judged those like myself who had a deeper love for a man who was the dream template of caring, curious, and attractive. I took that day very badly and my collection of authentic items from him and his past concerts were sold - away from my reach simply to try and stop the pain.
The Present & Near Future:
As of now... I live in my home. I spend barely half my time here as most of it is with my savior, at school, and with friends I have made or reunited with. The girl whom was dating the boy I stole forgave me years ago and we are still best of friends. She was always bisexual and so I think that helped with the situation when I stole her guy. She now is with her girlfriend; another of my friends; and I also made new unexpected ones that are almost a ghost of my out of control past self. The exception being that this friend has the control I did not.
I go to a local community college, currently a student in their BA: English program. It is difficult work and all for an unknown future I have yet to decide of. My hope is to at least complete this, with passing grades, for my first degree in Literary Arts. This blog (and that Tumblr I still am unsure the future of) may simply be a way to hone a skill I still don't believe I have or simply to vent my mind and my soul of the things that would otherwise drive me into a dark place. Much as with my life and my schooling - I have no plan or great scheme of this blog. I may try to place Ad-Support and see if my writings bring enough eyes to start trickling small amounts of money. It is honestly all a blur of unknown.
My hope is to slowly find myself again.. not past self or whore self... the myself I am to be... that brings some form of presence and, i hope, good to the world. Be it simply my rather... tantalizing writings bringing some needed heat to a persons day, or simply my stories become relatable in some way to help. I can only promise a single plan - to not allow myself to censor or feel hesitant of a text I place here. To have no filter as I feels in reality and in public I must maintain. I am a fairly social yet shy tomboy girl with the wrong body for the role. My appearance has always angered me, made me mad at how I must validate people's actions to me on if it is towards my true self or the breasts and figure I have been gifted by a presumed solitary God. I will always be a geek, a nerd, and attracted to guys like that over the buff ones who think they are doing my soul and body a favor by being within the radius of my presence. If your a average or even slightly socially ignored man with a good heart and passion for what you love - you will always be more attractive and bring more heat to my body than those who simply look like models.
🕉️ Rio Barbarella Kitten