... hyper-fixation & procrastination
Is it reversive parasocial to feel bad for not posting more on a blog to an audience that may not even exist? I'm most guilty of the rampant seduction of the offline life I have been living as of late. My mind and body, a swing set filled with emotions of swinging forward and back, all trying to see who can rock the framework from the soil first.
Where must I begin with updates?
Have you the time?
Have you slipped yourself into the most coziest attire?
Have you acquired a tea, coffee, wine, or choice of beverage?
Brace for a long entry - tentative on my level of ADHD for tonight.
Firstly, my mental health has been good. Overall, my mind has been peaceful from a darkness and anger menu. I have spoken with my professional therapeutic counselor (Therapist, in simple terms) on the topic of hypersexualization. Of course, we start my blog for the year on sex, huh?
It is an important topic that I feel needs focus. As readers of my blog may have noticed, more so if you follow Jag's Twitter, is that I have spent the end of 2023 on a sexual high. It was enough of a problem that eventually, KaiMei asked for a pause in our times of intimacy. Jag's bodyguard has a long history of groupies and suited an exotic opportunity for me with larger sizing compared to prior lovers I've been with.
Dr. Sprivzy explained that both Men & Women can, at times of stress and traumatic triggering, use the sensation of sexual interactions to disassociate from the emotions of pain, hurt, or sadness. I had some heightened stress at the end of the year with finishing the semester of schooling, and I fought some holiday blues. I found myself entertaining Jag and her bodyguard for the holidays, enabling reach to a consenting muse in "relieving stress" in private.
A part of me still feels mild shame in the marks left on my bed, the imagery of my face in the bathroom mirror, the feeling of my body pressed against the shower tile. The beginning of this affair of craven lust came with the introduced new sensations that come with female reproductive organs introduced with increasingly proportionate size than used to. Can you tell I am dancing around the details to feint some form of decency in my presence? Needless to say. 2023 ended with me whoring my body in the name of disassociation.
For the last month or so, I have been trying to confront my feelings and the discomfort associated with the head-on approach. Sometimes, I do need to still "blow off steam" and have regulated myself to the silicone stand-ins under my bed.
Beyond that struggle with my sexual health, I completed the last semester of technical college. I have not graduated, but I am at an impasse if I will return the next session. I still stand undecided about my fate and career beyond the walls of education. The time-tested claims of the institution have also become riddled with holes over the last decade, putting their claims in question in my mind. I've never grown out of the indecisiveness of my path in life.
My income, which many speculate all the avenues of possibility, will disappoint many of the perverse or hopeful wanderers of their dirty minds. I detest and have yet to come to terms with my family's wealth being a crutch that my sister takes advantage of constantly, even to this day. Yet I still receive "gifts" from my parents, who felt their daughter working for her funds degrades the family name.
I also work part-time at a local diner as a waitress and am compensated for my time when I join Jag on her livestreams. These income streams allow me to live in my home, enjoy being with loved ones, and continue to find lovers and self-appreciation.
An acquaintance through my friend announced her engagement to her boyfriend of many years. My friend's lover (direct bloodline of the bride-to-be) has been at odds with the bride-to-be about the guest lists and details. It is all very multifaceted in form, the drama, and the issues they are working out. I hope the best for the couple on their wedding and life together. They are super cute together & good friends of mine and KaiMei's.
The weather has been very spontaneous thus far. We are now back into the tease of spring. I have transitioned between warmer cotton and fleece PJs on cold nights. Cotton bra and panties when warmer. The earlier mentioned lover of a friend has always told me the benefits of sleeping nude, more so within a room where your bed position allows moonlight to shine upon you at night.
I have tried her suggestions as of late once it was warm enough. It's best not to catch hypothermia in your bedroom. From the nights I have tried this form of sleep, I've felt better and more rested. I may have mentioned this journey in prior entries but stopped doing so as temps dropped. It may be my hypersexualization issues coming to face, but there is a feeling of safety and freedom in feeling your bedsheets against your bare skin. Dare I mention the touch of those sheets against sensitive areas as well? It's difficult to explain, and I suggest you try it yourself.
I think that is everything I can think of for now, and this entry must be miles long by now. I am still doing okay while making forward progress. I hope the same for all of you. You know, the lost internet wanderer who has stumbled across my blog.
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