Titles are becoming increasingly difficult to think up.

As noted in my last post; I have been mulling a topic to post about that is currently trending in hate and revolution. Something that both fences within taboo and double standard.

Prefaced context is needed first.


As that of most people within my general demographic - I grew up as a white, christian household, innocent girl. I was, as once was described for those whom puberty delayed, a “late bloomer” and as tends to be the case in school - was teased constantly by my smaller frame. Distracting from that prior notation; I realize that once puberty kicked into gear it was overzealous.

As a late bloomer, my figure was rather small, lacking curve, and target to those who felt that gym class was the best platform to start their future career of hateful person. It was my senior year when my body started to fill out and chose this period of time while I was on family trip to a new town and the looming of Senior year in a new school. The attention I garnered was alien for me and my already shy self had issues adjusting.


We now return; my life has taken many roller coaster movements and along that ride - I acquired a friend who had a gothic aura and was bisexual, leaning lesbian. I never looked at her preferences as much to profile her on. We were and still are really good friends.

I always was shy for the most part and dating was awkward at best. Potentially too much detail for the public eye, but I lost my virginity well out of High School in my first year or so of community college. Which was in fact to a friend’s brother, a guy I knew for years after moving to this town. It was this prior mentioned friend in my senior year that helped me come to terms with myself and my appearance.


Long wall of text and less literature minded, I am aware and apologize. I shall fast forward to the past year or there of.


2020 was, for the lack of christian values, a shit-show. I had been a year or so out of a breakup. My then boyfriend who had been rebuilding his life after a past of misguiding. Those actions found him arrested and sent to prison; where he later passed away from unknown health issues. My place of employment shut down a year prior and I quickly started to grow weary of myself, my innocent ways, and mind. My insanity progressed and I decided to step valiantly from my shell and headlong into a year long binge of “bad Girl” vibes. I slept with men, I involved myself in trashy events and to save all from details of the derogation of my body, soul, and being. My body was simply a tool to craved lust and a desire to simply destroy any past self that existed.


Within that time the dark form of myself hunted the guy I had known and lost my virginity with. My social web restricted within my bisexual friend, her friends and family, and the men I had associated myself with. The target I acquired became a favorite form of degeneracy to such a degree he got fed up of me and we disconnected. Losing him and really looking at myself and reflecting is where I finally hit rock bottom. I again will spare the triggering details of what simply was my end and salvation by that same guy once again. He’s become a great pillar in my life and while I flt he saw no value in me, it was him risking himself to save me from my own action.


We skip to the end of 2020 and into the now. I’ve been slowly rebuilding myself. I’ve reached a middle ground, a kind of truce within myself and my morals. I still remain mostly single and yet am less hesitant to stand out. To the point that I was introduced to someone who has a large following.

Through my Bisexual friend, I was introduced to a rock and metal singer that has a reputation of chaos and taboo. We hit off on our 80’s music knowledge and I agreed to be with her in one of her online streams discussing music. The stream went well and obviously people took a liking to me; albeit most likely dude to my figure.


Now in the current, again noting the absurd length of such a dribble of words, I stream with this girl on and off and one stream we decided to do charity with a goal. The girl, Jag, asked me my limits of comfort and told me her idea for a goal tier - kissing. The simple idea was upon reaching a goal value of donations - we would kiss on the stream; adding both the content most of her viewers craved from someone of her reputation & something different.

Needless to say the goal was reached and Jag and myself kissed. Part of me expected a simple quick ordeal, reading the room so poorly as I found us in a deep embrace and serious motions. My mind instantly rushing to questions of why did I agree to this, why was I not hesitant, why was I enjoying it? After the stream, Jag commented on how surprised she was I went through with it.

I understand that the world is in a love/hate relationship of LGBT rights and topics. I understand that there is a double standard in play within my (rather incoherent) story. Men will fantasize of girls kissing and watch pornographic media of 2 women as they lust. Yet the idea of 2 Men within the same context is considered wrong and disgusting. Regardless of if women may find it hot - men rule the world and that alone has become heated contention of our nation here in the USA.

I’ve learned, simply through the friendship of someone who makes sex their calling card and excess of their industry, that I am unmoved by limitations of sex and affection. That I am allowed to experience things that are considered wrong or taboo and if I feel enjoyment or a slight of pleasure - to accept that. I do not mark myself as more than heterosexual; Men are my preferred form of sexual pleasure and yet I can tell you that I had no ill affects from kissing a female in a stream.

I simply wish the world and the USA could look past all this hate and revolt… simply bring passive acceptance of difference. That is mostly my message to this catastrophe of a post. I hope to better articulate something in my next post once it’s come to my mind.


Please look after yourselves and be open minded. Coming from a survivor of suicide and my very bottom - there is light and there is greatness out there. There is always SOMEONE whom is your pillar, even when you don’t know it.

Til next Time my Loves.